


How To: Rid Constipation

by chocolatechiplague



Series: How To: [2]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: 707 is a little shit, Crack, Kinda Implied?, but just, but not completely?, child birth, how, how to series, jumin why, kinda jumin/zen, or not?, up to you how you view it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 10:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8324209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatechiplague/pseuds/chocolatechiplague
Summary: Jumin regrets taco night, Seven is being himself, Jaehee is terrified, and now, there are questions about Zen being the possible reason for WHY this happened in the first place. I have no excuse for writing this. It just happened.





	

Taco night was a mistake. 

Taco night had been such a fucking mistake, Jumin thought as he pressed his hand against the wall inside of his private bathroom. There was such a pressure in his lower belly and it made no sense at all. After all, he had had food poisoning before, but this? This was level eighty in a game meant for only five levels. 

His butt fucking hurt. 

It felt as if someone was taking hold of each butt cheek and just spreading it wider and wider. Was this what gay porn was like? He heard maybe horrible things about what happened someones butt that way. He wouldn’t be surprised if Zen knew what that feeling was. Or Seven. 

Yeah, Seven seemed like he would be someones bitch some day. 

Ahem. 

Back to the main subject. Jumin in pain. 

He had half a mind to call and yell at the chef, but every time he thought of it, his intense pain would continue, some lump would move through his guts and just next step. He was left with one answer. Chat room. 

Jumin Han: I have a question. 

[707 has entered the chatroom.]

707: And I MAY have an answer. Lay it on me.

Jumin Han: How do you know when constipated? 

 

The chat was silent a moment, an oddity from Seven. 

 

707: Well uh, have you pooped?

Jumin Han: No.

707: Do you have to?

Jumin Han: Yes.

707: Then you’re constipated. Have you never been? Omg lolololol

707: Soon you will have the butt baby. 

Jumin Han: What?

707: U didnt kno?

707: Every time you skip a daily poop, a baby is born

707: Or does an angel get its wings? Not sure, that part of the scripture is skipped. 

Jumin Han: None of that is true. Do I look like Yoosung to you?

707: no but considering u never been constipated before, how would u know?

[Zen has entered the chatroom.]

707: ZEN! JUMIN IS ABOUT TO POP HIS FIRST CONSTIPATION CHERRY

[Zen has left the chatroom.]

707: ignore that pussy ass bitch

707: Step one in having a butt baby is to PUSH

 

While it was always possible that this was something that Seven was making up, Jumin couldn’t say that the push advice wasn’t a good one. He could feel his face flush in effort as he did just that, grunting low. This shouldn’t be so hard, this should be simple and easy. Women gave birth all the time, why couldn’t he just do this?! 

“Sir?”

Oh shit, Jaehee. But he noticed too late, giving a loud grunt and whine of a push. She was getting severely worried at this point. He had been in his personal bathroom for twenty minutes now, and she could hear the sounds of pain coming from her boss. Earlier, there had been whispering to himself Jaehee picked up about taco night. 

Oh no. She had tacos too. She ate right besides him even, devouring into tacos and burritos alike. She wasn’t ready, she couldn’t get sick. It was one thing if Jumin did as she would just do his work, but if she did? The entire company could collapse. She was sure of it. She couldn’t get food poisoning. Now worried about her health, Jaehee fretted about a bit. 

“Sir? Is. . . there anything I can do?”

“No. I’m fine. I have Google to teach me birthing breathing techniques.” 

“Sir, I . .. I don’t think that’s how food poisoning works.”

“It isn’t food poisoning.”

Jeez, for a woman, Jaehee didn’t seem to know much about pooping, Seven was right about the butt baby thing, he just linked a full article after all. While some of the science of this seemed to make no sense, it was the only thing he could find that seemed to make some form of sense. All other Hoogle searches told him such things were normal, but it had never happened to him before and . . . he didn’t want to admit this, but his lower abdomen was a bit swollen. It was serious, he wondered if he should call a doctor actually. Most likely. 

At least, until the first strike of strong pain and pressure hit. He groaned out, a hint of a whimper coming out after, arms around his waist. What was this pain?! 

 

707: Make sure to breath! U can do it! Push out that butt baby!

 

Breath. One, two, three. Push. One, two, three. Push. This was hard, so very hard. 

 

707: Make me an uncle already! 

707: where is MC when we need her?

707: ABRACADABRA MC!

[MC has entered the chatroom.]

MC: you don’t need to yell across the room for me to come on the chat, hon.

 

God, they’re flirting now, they forgot about the torture he was going through and how the groans of pain were growing, a sweat breaking out. This wasn’t normal, this couldn’t be normal! What he wouldn’t do right now for some kind of pain killer drug for the searing pain in his ass. 

It happened quickly after that. One moment, he was a dizzy, whimpering mess, the next cried out as finally SOMETHING came out. The sound of a baby crying dragged him out of the feeling of relief and exhaustion. He turned, looking with confusion, shock, some horror and other emotions he normally kept buried so keep that they died off. It was a baby. A baby. He had a butt baby. 

 

Jumin Han: Thank you for your advice, Seven. I’ll remember this.

707: OOHHHHHHH so you finally got it out? High 5 man!

Jumin Han: I’ll consider you as godfather for your concern, I must go for now I have a child to care for. 

[Jumin Han has left the chatroom.]

MC: Did. . . did he just say child? 

707: More importantly. . . I’m GOD FATHER!

 

Jaehee had been pacing in the middle of her bosses office, far enough away to not hear him, but close enough that if he called for help or emergency, she could assist. Her head whipped up when the door open. Jumin had removed his suit jacket, it bundled in his arms. 

“Sir, are you alright?!”

“Yes, but I need you to call a pediatrician and set an appointment this afternoon for Elizabeth the fourth.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I have become a father, assistant Kang and I will not accept anything but the best doctor.”

She risked a peek, terrified that he could be holding something disgusting and vile and had lost his mind from stress and work. No, there was an actual . . . it was. . . 

 

[Jaehee Kang has joined the chatroom.]

Jaehee Kang: Mr. Han has just given birth to a baby girl. 

707: Told you. Butt baby.

Jaehee Kang: This isn’t possible.

707: Butt baby.

Jaehee Kang: She has white hair. 

MC: Zen needs to get his ass in here and explain. 

MC: Wait, does this mean Jumin will get boobs and breastfeed?

Jaehee Kang: I don’t want to know.

707: Today has been a great day.

**Author's Note:**

> Butt baby.


End file.
